My other half

I have always thought of myself as the strong, independent type. I grew up as something of a “latchkey kid” in South Africa. For as long as I can remember I got myself to school every day. In the afternoons I came home to an empty house. You get used to your own company. After a while you even get to like it.

All that changed when I met my wife. I’ll never forget the day she walked into the gym where I worked. It was like one of those western movie scenes where some stranger walks into a saloon and the music stops. She certainly took my breath away.  The guys behind the counter immediately turned on the charm. My manager was a body builder with Mediterranean looks. I knew I didn't stand a chance against such competition. I shrugged and sighed to myself, carrying on with my work as if she wasn't there.

One day a few weeks later she came up to me and said she liked the music I used in my classes and asked if I could make her a tape. She handed me a blank cassette and quickly left. Inside was a small note with a message saying that she was crazy about me. Her name was Ronell. To me it was the most beautiful name I had ever heard.

Three years later we were married and starting a family in our new home in England. We argued in the first couple of years. Not a lot, but enough to make us both wonder if we had done the right thing. I could not help but think perhaps my independent upbringing was an issue. I loved being around Ronell, but I was also single-minded and stubborn. We agreed that we would both give it 100% and that we would build our lives on God’s solid foundation.

In 2015 we celebrated our twenty-sixth wedding anniversary. I realized that, during that time, I had changed. People often call their spouses their “other half” and it is true. After so many years you stop being an independent person. Your lives become intertwined to such an extent that you become more like a single unit. At least, that is how it felt to me. This was especially true after the kids flew the nest. I realized that every decision I made and every action I took was centred around Ronell.

I remember putting together a two-picture photo frame for our anniversary. The one on the left was from our wedding day. The one on the right was a photo we took on the ferry—our first trip without the kids. Ronell's wedding dress train seemed to flow into the second photo, forming a white path. She said that represented our future lives together. I told her I was looking forward to spending the next twenty-six years together. She said she was looking forward to falling in love with me all over again.

We never made the next anniversary.  The cancer that had been quietly spreading through Ronell's body attacked her quickly and without mercy, robbing her of her health, then her mobility, and finally her life. When she was taken to the hospital in Delft I gave notice at my job and on our house and moved in with her. They did what they could to make her comfortable but they made it clear there was no chance of a cure. She was given the use of a wheelchair and I took her for long walks around the hospital.

Ronell said she wanted to go back to England and we arranged to get her moved to the hospice near our home in Blackpool.

She passed away less than a week later. I was due to return to Holland the next day with a van to collect all our things from the house. Friends were helping out at the hospice and I gave them instruction for Ronell's day-to-day care. I would return five days later. That afternoon, as I held her hand, she took her last breath.

At that moment my world fell apart. All my strength and independence evaporated. I had imagined I would continue without her until we met again in Heaven. Now, suddenly, I felt utterly and completely lost. It was like being torn in half.

It has been almost a year since she passed away. I still feel lost but I am learning to cope. The waves of grief are further apart now but their ferocity has not subsided. Music tends to bring on the tears. Certain songs remind me of her. I have to be careful in public places where they play music.

Writing helps, which is why I bared my soul in this blog post. Thanks for listening. It is therapeutic, putting my thoughts down on paper.

This evening I returned to an empty house. I am, it seems, a “latchkey kid” once more. Curious how life can do a full circle like that.

I don't know why Ronell had to go home. I believe God had a good reason for taking her. One day I will know that reason. Until then, all I can do is pray and wait. I believe I will see her again, God willing.

It may be a cliché but I really am lost without her. She truly was my other half.

DEVOTION: The Pink Elephant ~ by Shirley Corder

Our minister was preaching on Philippians chapter 4, stressing the need to remain “in the Lord” at all times.

Suddenly, he leaned forward and said to us, “I don’t want you to think about a pink elephant. Do you hear me? Please don’t think about a pink elephant. I don’t want you thinking about his large pink ears, his long thick pink trunk, his enormous pink body, or his tiny pink tail. Don’t think about a pink elephant!”

He paused, then smiled and said, “So what are you thinking about?”

The congregation answered with one voice, “A pink elephant!”

He went on to point out the importance of keeping our minds focused on the Lord and on the good things of life. That as we filled out minds with thoughts of “pink elephants” they would govern our thinking. It’s not possible to “stop thinking" about something negative. The only solution is to fill our minds with other, positive thoughts.

In Ruth chapter 1 we read how Orpah and her sister-in-law Ruth committed themselves to following their mother-in-law Naomi back to her old country, Judah. Then suddenly in verse 16, Orpah changes her mind. Ever wondered why?

Orpah sincerely loved her mother-in-law. She wanted to follow her back to her home country. She was prepared to make the sacrifice and leave her family, her gods, and her old way of life. She said her farewells, and she took the first steps down the road with Naomi and Ruth. 

But it would appear she couldn’t stop thinking of all she was leaving behind. Her family. Her friends. Her known way of life. She had spent ten years married to an Israelite and with Naomi as her mother-in-law, so she would have been aware of some of the horrors and evil in the Canaanite culture. But it was the life she knew. The future loomed large and frightening before her.

Suddenly she realized she couldn’t go through with it. It was too big a sacrifice. She loved Naomi and she loved Ruth, but the more she thought of all she was leaving behind, the more turmoil she experienced. There were limits to how much she could go through. The farther she travelled, the more difficult it would be to change her mind. She had to make a decision—and so she stopped in the road. “I can’t do this. I need to go home.”

Do you have a decision to make that has far-reaching consequences? Is your mind full of regrets or indecision? Do you have cancer or some other dread disease, and you can't stop thinking about it? Are you struggling with an issue right now? I often do, especially in the middle of the night. I can usually control my thinking during the day, but in those dark hours when I lie awake, I find it more difficult. The more I try to stop thinking about the problem, the more I struggle with it.

Thanks to my minister’s sermon, I now know what to do when this happens. I have to stop struggling to put it out of my mind and rather focus on good things. I need to think about the Lord and all the plans He has for me, then I will automatically stop concentrating on the problem. My mind can only cope with so much at a time. If I fill it with the Lord and His goodness, there is no room for a pink elephant.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

How about you? Is there a pink elephant in your mind today that you need to push out with positive thoughts? Please leave a comment below.

SHIRLEY CORDER lives on the coast in South Africa with her husband, Rob. Her book, Strength Renewed: Meditations for your Journey through Breast Cancer contains 90 meditations based on her time in the cancer valley, where she collected many pink elephants.

Please visit Shirley through ShirleyCorder.com, where she encourages writers, or at RiseAndSoar.com, where she encourages those in the cancer valley. You can also meet with her on Twitter or FaceBook.