Lessons from a Seahorse

I was listening to a series on male and female relationships, especially marriage and gained some valuable insight. The most obvious issue is the male and female difference, physically of course, but also mentally and emotionally. Looking back to the Garden of Eden, Adam was without human companionship until Eve came along. Is it a wonder then that men are typically not very communicative, while woman tend to be more expressive? After all Eve had another human ear to bend as soon as she was created. In my mind I imagine that Adam was fascinated by her mellifluous voice; her laughter; her beauty…

I imagine that they were the best of friends, could read each others every mood and anticipate each others needs, even without words. But that oneness was shattered when the first blame game was played: Adam blaming God; Eve blaming the serpent. The Bible doesn’t tell us, but I would also imagine the shame and disappointment that they would have felt toward each other. Eve may have felt betrayed by her brother; her lover, while Adam probably felt angry. Angry at Eve for being gullible and for implicating him in her sin, angry at God for giving him Eve, angry at the serpent for deceiving Eve and even angry at himself for eating the fruit. These were emotions they had never before experience. Tongue in cheek here: Eve probably tried to over explain, while Adam probably went into broody silence. Their unbreakable relationship was now broken and I’m sure everything went downhill from there.

Fast-forward thousands of years. People break up for all sorts of reasons. I imagine that if Adam and Eve could see the world as it is today they’d be both perplexed and exasperated. Irreconcilable differences, fraud, infidelity, the list seems endless. I hope I’m not coming off as judgemental, because that’s not my intent at all. I’m just trying to pour out my heart and maybe get some understanding of why (from an outside perspective anyway) people sometimes give up on their relationships so easily. Could it be that expectations are unrealistic? Or that there are other choices out there that make leaving appear more attractive and worthwhile than fighting to stay together.

Is it possible that any marriage could be fixed as long as there is someone who is willing to humble themself? The thing, though, is that it’s hard to humble yourself when you feel that you’ve been wronged or that you’re in the right.

Marriages today seem to last about the same amount of time as casual relationships. The vows taken at wedding ceremonies don’t seem to be taken seriously. I understand that sometimes relations are irreparably damaged. And I believe that no matter what stories are told, only God and the 2 people in the marriage know exactly what went wrong.

This whole issue of break-ups makes one consider the seahorse. Seahorses are fascinating creatures that we can learn a lot from.

As most people know, seahorses are monogamous and mate for life. Each couple go through through complex rituals every morning, when they perform an elaborate courtship display. This daily morning meeting serves to reinforce their commitment. A lesson here for us humans is that it takes regular effort to strengthen a relationship.

The other thing fascinating about seahorses is that they have extremely good eyesight. They have eyes on either side of their head and work independently, meaning that they can look backwards and forwards at the same time. Imagine if we as humans had that ability. But hmm maybe we do in hindsight and foresight, but most importantly as Christians we have the Holy Spirit.

Females have a territory of about 1.4 sq metres and males have a territory of about 0.5 sq metres. Their territories overlap. For someone like me who can be anal about her space, this one spoke volumes to me, but suffice it to say that a relationship cannot thrive if the people involved don't have a shared sense of ownership. Trying to categorically state that this is mine and that is yours, with little or no 'ours' surely can't be good. Yes we're each unique but one should come into a relation, especially marriage with a team mindset. The power of agreement is formidable.

What does Scripture say?
"Two are better than one,
Because they have a good reward for their labour.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.
But who to him who is alone when he falls.
For he has no one to help him up.
Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm;
But how can be be warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him.
And a threefold cord is not quickly broken. " - Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

But then again, maybe the beauty of the male/female seahorse relationship is born out of the knowledge that the male fertilises the female's eggs in his pouch. The female transfers her eggs to the male which he self fertilises in his pouch. The number of eggs can vary from 50-150 for smaller species to 1500 for larger species. I'm sure that alone creates a deep bond, understanding and appreciation between.

From which other animals or species have you learnt a human lesson?

Ufuoma Daniella Ojo is a Senior Technical Author and Software Trainer. She lives in Potters Bar just outside London. She is working on some new stories about relationships and is trusting God for connections leading to publication.

Great Artists Are Selfish

Great artists are selfish. Or so it would appear. Whether it is a visual artist, writer,musician, composer, singer, actor or movie star, one theme seems to pop up time and again. That theme is sacrifice. The artist is prepared to sacrifice anything or anyone for the sake of their art.

I’m not a huge fan of historical novels but I do like to read about artists, so with that in mind I picked up Claude and Camille, a book about the famous artist Claude Monet. You can find my thoughts about this book and others on Good Reads. What struck me most in reading this though was the selfishness of the artist. Everything else including those he loved was sacrificed to his art. This quote from J.K. Rowling about choices perhaps sums it up. ‘It is our choices that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.'

If it came to a choice between pursing your art or maintaining relationships which would you choose? I have to say that if it came to a choice between writing which I love doing or my husband and family, there would be no contest. Husband and family would win out. Fortunately I don't have to make that choice as I have a husband and family who support and encourage my writing.

It seems to me that in many cases the art, whatever it may be, takes precedence over relationships and I think that is sad. Is that what God intended for us as writers? I don't think so. Sure, we need to carve out time to fulfil our calling to write and writing takes a lot of hard work. And it's not just the writing. These days to get your work out there and be known takes a lot of time in promotion and marketing. So should we invest all our energies into protecting our writing at all costs and just expect family and others around us will understand and make allowances because we are writers and our art must come first? What do you think?

That, to me, seems to contradict the way our Lord would have us live. As Albert Einstein said, 'Only a life lived for others is worthwhile.'

Yes, we are to do our best in the work He has called us to do but I doubt that means a sacrificing relationships to do it. At the end of people's lives it is often not that they wish had earned more money or written more books but that they had devoted more time to maintaining relationships. I may never be great in the world's eyes and that's okay, so long as at the end I hear God say, 'well done good and faithful servant' and know that I have cared for those God surrounded me with as well as doing the work He called me to.

Dale's latest novel is Streets on a Map published by Ark House Press. She has also had published a book of poetry, several children's novels, and has written a series of bible studies and Sunday school material. Her website is www.daleharcombe.com or you can visit her personal blog http://orangedale.livejournal.com/

A West African Wedding

I'd like to share with you an excerpt of a story I'm working on that highlights some aspects of wedding preparations and customs from a Nigerian perspective. What's fascinating is that there are just as many wedding customs as there are tribes in Nigeria. I'm looking forward to see what the amalgamation of Urhobo (the tribe to which my family belongs in Nigeria) and Ngemba (my fiance's tribe in Cameroon) wedding customs would look like.


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It was getting harder and harder to ignore her ringing mobile phone. From the ringtone Osaro knew it was her fiancé’s sister, Yinka. She lifted the right corner of her silk eye-mask, squinting as a bit of sunlight hit her eye. Just as she reached across the bed to pick up the phone, it stopped ringing. She put her hand on her forehead, biting her lip.
Why can't Yinka leave me alone? I have so much to do getting this wedding organized. She groaned. No use trying to get back to sleep now.
She got up and knelt by the side of her bed. There was so much on her heart to share with the Lord. As she opened her month, she heard a soft voice cross her heart. Though you walk through the midst of trouble, I will revive you. She recognized the words from Psalm 138. She furrowed her brow.
Twelve minutes into her prayer hour, her phone rang again. The ring tone told her it was Kola. She wished she’d turned the ringer off.
“Hi Babe.”
“Yinka says she’s been trying to reach you. Why aren’t you answering your phone?”
Osaro was taking aback. She moved the phone from her ear and gave it her ‘dirty’ look. Kola was becoming increasingly annoying as their wedding day neared.
“Osaro are you even listening to me? Yinka is quite upset. I don’t have time to be refereeing between my fiancée and my sister!”
“Kola, I-”
“Listen, just call her back and apologize. I’ll speak to you later.”
The call was disconnected. Osaro shook her head. How come I never noticed how whinny Kola can be? She stared into space for a full minute.
“Lord, please help me.”
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Osaro clicked the Save button after entering her notes from her last patient visit. She closed the application and opened Internet Explorer. She typed in ‘breast augmentation + breast cancer’ in her search engine’s Web Search field. As she waited for the search to run she heard a knock on her door.
“Come in!”
“Hey girl! Ready for lunch?” Osaro’s best friend and business partner, Kay, entered the room, the fragrance of her signature perfume coming in with her. Kay seemed to glow.
Well, why wouldn’t she? Osaro mused. She has a husband who is totally devoted to her and she doesn’t have to deal with the stress of in-laws.
“Sorry Kay. I can't make it. I'm psyching myself up to call Yinka.”
Kay rolled her eyes. “She’s not causing trouble between you and Kola again, is she?”
“No, of course not.” Osaro replied a little too quickly. She picked up her phone, poised to dial. Kay shook head.
“Listen, you better get Kola to tell them to back off, or else for the rest of your life his family will be running you ragged.
“You’re being melodramatic as usual. Kola’s family loves me.” She shrugged. “I’m sure stress is a normal part of planning any wedding.”
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It seemed Kola and Osaro were arguing more than talking these days. Coupled with their increasingly busy work schedules, they hadn’t spent as much time together. For the first time in almost a month they were spending a quiet Friday evening together.
“I finally got my boss to approve my time off. I confess I was afraid I’d have to resume work immediately after we get back from Nigeria.”
Osaro widened her eyes. “But everything is okay now, right? After all this wedding prep stuff I really need that trip to Bali.”
Kola edged closer to Osaro on the settee and took her hands in his. Osaro pulled her hands away, recognizing Kola’s tactic of tactile attention to deflect from something she was sure she didn’t want to hear.
“Please tell me you’ve booked the tickets and the hotel room.”
Kola’s eyes roamed the breadth of his living room, missing Osaro’s gaze by miles.
“Kola? Please tell me something. Anything!” Osaro’s nostrils flared.
“I'm sorry Babe.”
“You’re sorry?!” She leapt from her seat. “What do you mean you’re sorry? Sorry for what?”
Kola leaned back in his seat. “I don’t see why we have to spend all that money for first class tickets and a fancy hotel when we can just as easily go somewhere nearer.”
Osaro put her hands up. “You agreed! You agreed months ago! If money is the problem you know I can afford it.”
“There you go again! Throwing your money in my face! I didn’t say I couldn’t afford it. I just don’t see the need for such a grandiose display!”
Osaro took a step back as if she’d been slapped. Her eyes filled with tears. Kola quickly bridged the space between them.
“I'm sorry Osaro. I didn’t mean… It’s just that you can't relate to being responsible for a very large family. You know I have to send money home every month. Yinka’s husband is not pulling his weight and I have to help with her children’s school fees-”
“I didn’t choose to be an only child Kola. I won’t apologize for my family’s wealth. Anyway, you more than anyone knows how hard I worked to achieve all I have!”
Kola clenched his fists and asked quietly, “Are you saying I didn’t work just as hard to achieve what I have? Or do you think you’re better than me just because you got a good head start?”
Osaro couldn’t believe what she was hearing. How did things get out of hand so fast?
The ringing phone interrupted her thoughts. Kola turned towards the sound. Osaro, eager to resolve this issue between them, reached for his arm.
“Let the machine pick up.”
Kola moved out of her reach. “It could be my mum, or someone from the family.”
Immediately Osaro felt her heart rate climb. I've got to do something! At this point I don’t know if Kola’s family is the problem or if his perception of himself and his family is.
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“Hello.”
“Ekasun oh!” Kola recognized his aunty from her voice and the traditional Yoruba greeting. Because he knew that Osaro felt excluded when he spoke to his family members in Yoruba, he answered his aunty’s greeting in English.
“Aunty! Good evening Ma?”
“Ah you want to speak Oyinbo. Okay oh. How is your wife?” Her voice dripped with saccharine sweetness, belying how she really felt about Osaro.
“She’s fine aunty. How are you?”
“I thank God oh. I can't complain. Not that anyone would notice.” Kola rolled his eyes. His father’s older sister was the matriarch of the family and was not above causing a little ‘innocent’ trouble to get her way.
“Aunty is there anything I can do to help?”
“Well my son, now that you ask, I'm really more concerned about you and your wife. I don’t want to cause any trouble, but does she understand that by marrying you she is marrying your entire family? She may have all the money in the world, but in our custom she has to show the family some respect. And my son, from what I'm hearing and seeing, she is not respecting you oh! At all, at all!”
Kola brought a shaky hand to his forehead. He needed to get away from Osaro’s presence because he knew an Osaro-bashing session was imminent, and Osaro being the astute lady she was, would guess what was being said just by his half of the conversation.
“Aunty, can I call you back?”
“Ah! What is the problem? Is your wife there with you? You mean you can't talk in front of her? My son oh! Who is the man in this relationship? This is not the way to start oh!”
Kola felt his head would explode. He looked at Osaro for inspiration. She just had a bemused expression on her face. Without saying a word he left the living room and walked into his bedroom. He shut the door behind him and sat on his bed.
“Sorry aunty. Please continue.” Even as he apologized he glared at his reflection in the mirror on the wall opposite his bed in disgust.
“Do you know that your wife’s mother had the audacity to send her driver all the way from Benin with one hundred yards of lace, yam and kola nut? What type of tradition is that? We are the husband! Doesn’t she think we know what to bring to Benin when we are coming for our wife? Maybe she controls her husband but that is not the way we do things oh! No!”
“Aunty I think she just sent those things as a gift. I'm sure she didn’t mean to offend you.”
“Eh! You are defending them! Is that how it’s going to be in your house? I feel sorry for you. In case all that Oyinbo living has confused you let me remind you how things are done.
“Our family will take twenty-one tubers of yam, a sack of salt, a bag of kola nuts, a drum of palm oil, forty-five dry fish, twenty-one bitter kola, a carton of sugar, five pineapples, honey, a bunch of bananas, a basket of oranges, a goat or ram dressed up with shades, coral beads and asho oke material, palm wine, cartons of beer, schnapps, whisky.”
Kola’s head was reeling. This wedding was going to cost much more than he could afford. How could he do all this, plus take Osaro to Bali? They should have just eloped instead of involving family.
“Aunty I will do my best.”
“Ah that’s not all oh. Your best had better be very good. We have to show those people that we are a family to be reckoned with otherwise your wife will think she can just walk all over you.”
“Aunty, Osaro is not like that. I'm sure that you will love her when you meet her.”
“Ah, ah! I already love her! I'm a Christian, ke! But things have to be done properly and in order.”
A soft knock on his bedroom door reminded Kola that an argument with Osaro was waiting for him. He took a deep breath. He hated having any form of conflict with her. He loved her and was convinced beyond any doubt that marrying her was God’s will.
“I'm coming honey.” He called out, even as his aunty was adding to his list of To Do’s.
“Don’t forget oh. We also have to bring plenty money. We must be able to bring more money than her parents’ request.”
“Aunty I really have to go. My bride is waiting for me. Oh, and please tell the family that Benin wedding traditions are not the same as the Yoruba ones.” He gently pressed the phone's End button.
Aunty was speechless.

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Ufuoma Daniella Ojo is a Technical Author and Software Trainer. She lives in London and is currently editing her first manuscript titled The Sower, working on some new stories on relationships and is trusting God for connections leading to publication.