By Keona Tann
An invisible illness is a lonely existence, but I was thankfully
reminded, by God, that I wasn’t alone. I took comfort in Job’s cries of
frustration, I read his journey and saw that God was faithful in the end. I
often felt destitute and stripped bare. Job knows those feeling to such a
greater depth than I do. I saw David’s fears resound in the Psalms, he speaks
of the same fears that had screamed in my heart. I love how God met them where
they were but did not allow them to stay there. When I felt the pure anguish of
feeling forsaken I was reminded of my precious Jesus on the cross. God made
something truly spectacular out of the sacrifice Jesus made.
An invisible illness is a lonely existence, but I was thankfully
reminded, by God, that I wasn’t alone. I took comfort in Job’s cries of
frustration, I read his journey and saw that God was faithful in the end. I
often felt destitute and stripped bare. Job knows those feeling to such a
greater depth than I do. I saw David’s fears resound in the Psalms, he speaks
of the same fears that had screamed in my heart. I love how God met them where
they were but did not allow them to stay there. When I felt the pure anguish of
feeling forsaken I was reminded of my precious Jesus on the cross. God made
something truly spectacular out of the sacrifice Jesus made.
Job, David and Jesus in the midst of their turmoil remained faithful to
God. I’m also given that choice daily, minute by minute and hour by hour. As my
illness dragged on and threatened to crush my spirit I was given a choice. I
could decide how I was going to respond. I was given a revelation that my
decision resounded into eternity. I was given a choice: decide if I truly
believed in God’s word or was I going to declare it false? If I truly believed
His word - that He is with me, He cares
for me and He wants to see great character formed in me through this trial. If
I truly take hold of that then surely I can face today’s challenges in His
strength?!
As I questioned my existence and asked questions like “why am I here?
What's this all for?”. I had to cling to the fact that I was there for a
reason, despite not feeling it! I had to cling to the fact that there was a
greater purpose for my life, despite not feeling it! I had to press on and take
another breath, despite not feeling like it!
So many times I felt myself in the depths of despair; so many times I
couldn’t see a way forward; I couldn’t see how I could cope and go on.
I cried out “Lord send your spirit for I am battle weary. The fight
overwhelms my soul. I can't see beyond this dark place! Lord I feel so lost!
I'm surrounded on all sides with despair! Lord I can't see your light! I can’t
see over this mountain, I can’t see over this wave, I can't feel your spirit,
Lord help me.”
In those moments when I cried out to God the response has varied. I love
the series "Touched by an Angel" but there were many times I simply
couldn't watch it. I'd get frustrated and angry that God hadn't answered my cry
for help with a physical appearance of an angel. I'd get frustrated that I
didn't get a voice from heaven. But I was reminded that God isn't always in
those things. I was reminded of Elijah's experience from 1 Kings chapter 19.
God did not speak in the windstorm, or the earthquake or the fire but instead
in a gentle whisper.
God spoke to me through: a timely devotional email; a text message from
my husband telling me that he loves me; a message from other family members and
friends; through prayers with family and friends; an encouraging Facebook post;
a kind word from a stranger; or an earlier appointment with the gynaecologist
(which I so desperately cried out for). I was given safe places to
vent/process/gain clarity in my life through my Christian counsellor and my
psychologist. I also discovered that If I allow God to He will speak to me
through the everyday of life.
So I declared over my life Exodus 14:14 – I declared that my God had
fought for me, that my God is fighting for me and that my God will fight for
me. Because of that declaration I fought on, in God’s strength! I faced my
tomorrows and I declared that I would make life giving decisions that would
resound in eternity.
So how can I make life giving decisions? In Deuteronomy 30 we are implored to choose between life and death. For
me this statement represents accepting the salvation that Jesus Christ offers
but also so much more. Through my journey I have discovered that there are
numerous daily choices that can bring 'life or death' and reveal my true
commitment to God. When I'm down I can choose music that impacts my soul,
reminding me to hold fast to God's goodness and grace. I can read Christian
novels which allow God’s voice to speak to me and remind me of His great love.
I can speak His declarations over my life or I can speak out my fears and
doubts. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and fears I can turn to prayer.
My decisions today will not only impact my
life but the lives of my family members. In Deuteronomy 30 and Psalm 103
declarations are made that salvation will extend to our children’s children.
That all we take hold of today will remain as a blessing passed on to the
generations yet to come. Our life will pass away but the love of the Lord
remains FOREVER with those who fear him! That is a truly astounding and
wonderful promise to cling to! I also love Deuteronomy 7:9 (NLT) “Understand, therefore, that the LORD your God is
indeed God. He is the faithful God who keeps his covenant for a thousand
generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his
commands.”
Each new dawn glows forth declaring God’s
majesty and brings us grace afresh.
So hold tight!
A new bright future is looming!
It may be in the next dawn or it may be in a
dawn a long way from now, but hold fast to the fact that it IS coming soon!
In September 2016 God declared healing over my life. This set me on a path of restoration and transformation.
My passion for writing was reignighted and I wrote the following mission statement:
I desire to impact the world through the words I share. I long to enrich, empower and encourage others whilst delivering my stories with empathy and understanding.
“He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the LORD.”
Psalms 40:3 NLT
I've started a weekly blog which you can find at: https://keonajtann.wordpress.com/
I'm currently working on my testimony as well as my journey with endometriosis and adrenal fatigue. I hope that I'll launch my first book soon. Many blessings, Keona
Thank you for sharing your difficult walk with us, Keona. May the Lord truly bless and heal you soon!
ReplyDeleteThanks Shirley. Blessings
ReplyDelete