Predictability and Bravery

"Trust Me, and don't be afraid. Many things feel out of control. Your routines are not running smoothly. You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable. Let Me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances. Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure...say 'yes' to the ways I work in your life. Trust Me, and do not be afraid."  'Jesus Calling' by Sarah Young, April 15th.

We have been trying to move for a year and a half. 
We have looked at about 15 homes, made offers on five, had one full house inspection and had 5 house inspections cancelled in a month on one house.
Our house has been waiting for new owners and we have been waiting with our boxes packed, our extras in storage and the bathroom toilets constantly wiped clean.
Seventy-five tomato seedlings, thirty artichokes, one hundred onions and leeks, twenty strawberry plants, Echinacea, rudbeckia, petunias, lavender, lettuces, and lilies are crammed onto a grow-shelf, reaching for the backyard garden that has been freshly raked and turned. 

I put a sign on our backdoor, leading to the garage that says, 'We will move into our dream home by April 2014'.  It's the 15th.  Fifteen days to go. 
My heart is all over the place. My brain won't turn off.
We have another offer on a house.  They accepted and now we are waiting for the bank to say, 'yes'. 
The owners are anxious to leave, their home already half-empty.
We are anxious to leave, our home already half-empty, our hearts already dreaming about living in a our dream house. A house that we thought was house 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, then 6. Each house more amazing than the next.  But this house is such a huge dream, I'm terrified.

An old stone home.  Eighty-six acres of forest surrounding us, including ready-to-tap maples.  Open spaces around the home that just happen to all face south, so they can be turned and tilled and I can plant my seedlings into their waiting rich soil.  An extra garage/outbuilding to put in a gymnastics practice-gym for the boy and is insulated for his drum set.  Space and the materials for my greenhouse - that I have dreamt about since University, because I want to create new species of flowers.

I have moved twenty-one times in my forty years.  The longest I have ever rested in a home, was this one. The one we are in now.  Our son grew up here, little notches on the wall that have been taken down and transferred to a beam for now.  The back patio where he rode his tricycle, the tree house with a zip-line and rope bridge that he still plays on, although he does flips off of it now.  My gorgeous peonies that I propagated and split and cultivated just popping up through the soil.  The circle in front of our house where I can watch my son and husband play catch, badminton, ride their bmx bikes on new jumps they built.

I'm terrified to leave.  It's in a whole new city, a whole new area that I am completely unfamiliar with.  I'm terrified of new adventure, now.  Before, I could leave at the drop of a hat, move to another house no problem. But now?  Change terrifies me. And what terrifies me even more, is that my heart is falling in love with this stone house and her land. And I'm terrified it will be taken away.  The bank will say no. We won't sell our house.
I know I'm being ridiculous, but life has been the same for seven years.  I know my house inside and out.  I know when a new creak appears on the stairs, I know the robins that visit, I know that the monarchs will come again because I planted milkweed, and the bees are plentiful in my tiny yard.
I've tried using my imagination and photos to create my new space, to know where the furniture will go, where I will hang my paintings and photos.  Where will I put our king-size bed when the rooms are too small?

I hate this feeling of not knowing.  It's not like wondering if you'll get a certain job, because I can make my brain say, 'it's ok, something better will come'.  Because my heart is already living there, and I'm terrified she'll be broken with disappointment.  Sure I can stay here another year, if we have to.  I'd have to give away a lot of my seedlings because my yard will not fit that many tomatoes. 
But...

I think it's time to be brave.  To go out and wait for my heart to get broken... or be fed beyond her wildest dreams.  I know God has this, I know my Heavenly Father has us all in His hands, and His blessings will be beyond measure and my heart will be full.  And that I choose to be grateful, no matter what.
But I also believe in dreams coming true.  So I will never stop chasing them.

So you there. The one with the dreams.  Be brave. Be unpredictable.  Be strong.

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation." Is 12:2

Jenn Kelly is an author who has found her new character for her new novel which will be written at some point.  She is often thoughtful, but mostly crazy. You can find her at www.jennkelly.com, but she hasn't been there in awhile. She prays for your bravery.