Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Thirsty for More Works

So my spirit grows faint within me;
    my heart within me is dismayed.
I remember the days of long ago;
    I meditate on all your works
    and consider what your hands have done.
I spread out my hands to you;
    I thirst for you like a parched land.
Psalm 43: 4-6

I have a marvelous husband. Everyone always tells me that so I never forget... :) But my husband lets me take three retreats a year. A retreat involves me taking off for three days and two nights to a private abode where I can just be with God and write. And sleep. As I drive there (a two hour drive) I can actually feel my entire body slowly shut down. I usually sleep about eleven hours a night with naps.

This past weekend was my retreat weekend. I knew it was time to go because I no longer had my sanity and I was tired and weepy.
The abode I usually go to is most of the time quiet. I try to pick weekends where nothing is happening. But this weekend, there was a lot going on. Most notably it was a retreat for about 40 AA women. Which involved hallways filled with women saying hi, the lounge filled with women crying and sharing and the cookie tin being unfilled.

I slept.
I asked God to talk to me.
I asked for ... something.

I'm sorry to say it actually wasn't a great weekend. There were too many issues going on at home for me to calm down. I couldn't roam the hallways at night time. I couldn't get into the lounge when I wanted tea. I didn't get any writing done. I mean I finished a hundred pages of edits but still...
My goal was to finish the edits, add on a bit of longer ending (maybe two thousand words?) and start my next book which I am kind of excited about.
My goals were not met.
And God was quite quiet.
And I probably shouldn't have answered my cell phone, but stuff was going on at home. And a friend was going through a crisis. How could I not?
I came home very frustrated, sad, angry and busy. Oh so busy. Which made me very ungrateful, self-pitying and not a pleasant person to be around.
I still feel kinda justified about my anger. Regardless...

Whenever I 'free read' the Bible, I usually pick Psalms. They are my favourite. I love David's honest wailing and his love for the Lord. That's me. David. Or maybe Job. Depends on the mood.
But as I read the Psalms and read Psalm 143 I tried to remind myself of the amazing things God has done. The amazing things He has done for me.
I have a great husband. I have a great kid. I like my life, granted it's small and insignificant, but I like it.
The end.
As I let my mind free-think into the next book....
I let myself think about my 'growing up' years. You know how sometimes you get into a 'remember when' kind of thing with yourself?
Well, here's my big epiphany. I look back at me and I cannot believe how much I am different.
I'm not talking about 'oh I'm older now so I'm smarter' and 'I was such an idiot' or 'what was I thinking' kind of thing.
I'm talking about an entire life of not having Jesus. An entire life of not knowing I was loved, I was saved, I was redeemed, I meant something, that I had purpose, that I could make a difference, that I could be loved by a husband.
That I was worthy.

So when my heart is dismayed within me, and my spirit grows weary, I remember my BC (Before Christ) life, and I meditate on how far He brought me. And I consider how He saved me from: suicide, other rapes, getting pregnant, getting killed, various STD's, divorce, jail, loneliness, heartbreak, self-destruction.
And I spread my  hands out to Him, thirst for Him like a parched land, thirsting for more more more. Because in ten years I want to look back at my life and say, 'Look what my God has done for me.'

Be blessed my fellow friends. Be blessed and know you are adored.

Jenn Kelly is an author. And she chose this picture as a publicity photo for a Democratic newspaper she's being interviewed for because she thinks she looks witty and funny. Or maybe she only have five minutes to find something and she doesn't have any publicity photos because they all seem to involve her wearing striped socks or her dog or bacon.
She's working on a teen book and for goodness sakes', why isn't she done yet?


  1. I LOVE your honesty . . . it’s profound and significant and oh-so-quirky-beautiful. I was blessed reading your post. It made me reflect on my own life and compelled me to thank God for what He has done for me—-something I really need to do more often. Thank you, Jenn. Incidentally, I especially like that photo. : )

  2. Loved this post. Read it just after I'd finished writing a short devotional based on...

    Psalm 27:14 Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.

    Bless you for your transparency. You bless others with it.

  3. Very inspiring to read. Thank you for this glimpse into your life and your heart.

  4. awww, thanks you guys!!! So encouraging....