So my spirit grows faint within me;
my heart within me is dismayed.
5 I remember the days of long ago;
I meditate on all your works
and consider what your hands have done.
6 I spread out my hands to you;
I thirst for you like a parched land.
Psalm 43: 4-6
I have a marvelous husband. Everyone always tells me that so I never forget... :) But my husband lets me take three retreats a year. A retreat involves me taking off for three days and two nights to a private abode where I can just be with God and write. And sleep. As I drive there (a two hour drive) I can actually feel my entire body slowly shut down. I usually sleep about eleven hours a night with naps.
This past weekend was my retreat weekend. I knew it was time to go because I no longer had my sanity and I was tired and weepy.
The abode I usually go to is most of the time quiet. I try to pick weekends where nothing is happening. But this weekend, there was a lot going on. Most notably it was a retreat for about 40 AA women. Which involved hallways filled with women saying hi, the lounge filled with women crying and sharing and the cookie tin being unfilled.
I asked God to talk to me.
I asked for ... something.
I'm sorry to say it actually wasn't a great weekend. There were too many issues going on at home for me to calm down. I couldn't roam the hallways at night time. I couldn't get into the lounge when I wanted tea. I didn't get any writing done. I mean I finished a hundred pages of edits but still...
My goal was to finish the edits, add on a bit of longer ending (maybe two thousand words?) and start my next book which I am kind of excited about.
My goals were not met.
And God was quite quiet.
And I probably shouldn't have answered my cell phone, but stuff was going on at home. And a friend was going through a crisis. How could I not?
I came home very frustrated, sad, angry and busy. Oh so busy. Which made me very ungrateful, self-pitying and not a pleasant person to be around.
I still feel kinda justified about my anger. Regardless...
Whenever I 'free read' the Bible, I usually pick Psalms. They are my favourite. I love David's honest wailing and his love for the Lord. That's me. David. Or maybe Job. Depends on the mood.
But as I read the Psalms and read Psalm 143 I tried to remind myself of the amazing things God has done. The amazing things He has done for me.
I have a great husband. I have a great kid. I like my life, granted it's small and insignificant, but I like it.
As I let my mind free-think into the next book....
I let myself think about my 'growing up' years. You know how sometimes you get into a 'remember when' kind of thing with yourself?
Well, here's my big epiphany. I look back at me and I cannot believe how much I am different.
I'm not talking about 'oh I'm older now so I'm smarter' and 'I was such an idiot' or 'what was I thinking' kind of thing.
I'm talking about an entire life of not having Jesus. An entire life of not knowing I was loved, I was saved, I was redeemed, I meant something, that I had purpose, that I could make a difference, that I could be loved by a husband.
That I was worthy.
So when my heart is dismayed within me, and my spirit grows weary, I remember my BC (Before Christ) life, and I meditate on how far He brought me. And I consider how He saved me from: suicide, other rapes, getting pregnant, getting killed, various STD's, divorce, jail, loneliness, heartbreak, self-destruction.
And I spread my hands out to Him, thirst for Him like a parched land, thirsting for more more more. Because in ten years I want to look back at my life and say, 'Look what my God has done for me.'
Be blessed my fellow friends. Be blessed and know you are adored.