Listening

Howdy y'all. I get the rare privilege of writing two posts back to back. Which means twice more of me. Aren't you lucky?

So. Let's talk about listening.

I will fully admit right up front that I have a sensitive heart. Which means if you look at me the wrong way, I will spend the day wondering what I did wrong. Yes I am working on overcoming that. It is terribly selfish to think that people are always thinking of me, so until I am told so, I shall assume I did no wrong.

One thing that always makes me crazy is when people are not listening. You know those friends? You open your heart a touch and share a part of your pain and they nod and then interrupt with how awful their life is. I call it 'one-upping'.

For example:
me: It's quite a shock to me that I can't kneel anymore. Now I have to do physio forever.
her: Did I tell you about how I hurt my back? It's so awful!

me: hubby hasn't been home much and I miss him a lot.
her: Oh I know what you mean! I've been so busy these past few weeks doing church stuff that I never see my husband anymore.

me: We've tried for three years to get pregnant. It's been awful.
her: Oh you just need to relax. My cousin tried for five years and she finally relaxed and now she has twins.

Do you see it? Very subtle. Women would call this empathizing. It's not. It's called 'not listening to what I'm sharing in my heart'. It's called 'everything I just said to you means nothing'. It's called 'you're not listening'.

When I did the Disaster Relief training, we did a little course on listening. It's where you just sit and listen and keep your mouth shut. In the following examples, the wrong answer is in italics.

 For example:

her: I can't believe I lost everything. My house is completely ruined.
me: Oh just put your faith in Jesus and you'll be fine. WRONG ANSWER
me: (saying nothing, looking into her eyes, holding my hands out to hers)

her: We don't have any insurance. I don't have any family. Where are we going to live?
me: You'll be fine. You can get through anything when you rely on God. WRONG ANSWER
me: (saying nothing, looking into her eyes, holding my hands out to hers)

her: My children died in that flood.
me: let's pray about that. WRONG ANSWER
me: (saying nothing, looking into her eyes, holding my hands out to hers)

This is how it can be used in a non-disaster setting:

her: it's quite a shock that I can't kneel anymore. I have to do physio forever.
me: (shake head sorrowfully and looking into her eyes, wait for her to continue)

her: my husband hasn't been home much and I miss him a lot.
me: (nod head sorrowfully and looking into her eyes, wait for her to continue)

her: we've tried for three years to get pregnant. It's been awful.
me: (tilt head sorrowfully and looking into her eyes, wait for her to continue)

Women do not open their hearts because they want you to 'one-up' them. They do not open their hearts because they want you to pat them on the head. They do not open their hearts because they are wanting you to interrupt them to say what you have to say. They open their hearts because they want to talk to someone they love and trust and they just want someone to listen to what they are saying.

God gave us two ears and one mouth.

So here is how you practice. When your girlfriend is talking, bite your tongue. What you have to say is not as important as what she is saying. Just listen. You will get to talk when the time is right. Empathizing is not showing you have been there. Empathizing is putting yourself in their shoes at that moment in time. You have not been what they have been through. It doesn't matter if what they are feeling or sharing seems trivial to you. Everyone has their own trials and it is your job, as her girlfriend, to just listen.

Jenn Kelly is an author who doesn't know what she's doing right now. She drinks far too much tea and is very good at making messes as her husband took this picture to show her. Who then listened for half an hour while she stomped around and waved her hands in the air shouting exclamations. She is waiting anxiously for her publisher to tell her whether or not they like her book while working on the Amish one.